I'm In A Contemplative Mood...

Hey everyone--I'm in a somewhat contemplative mood today. Several things have occurred that have me feeling a little unsettled. First, last night my mother called me from North Carolina and let it be known that she'd been in an automobile accident--on July 1st. Thanks be to God that she didn't suffer any serious injury, but the car was totalled and she was the only one involved in the accident. I couldn't get over the fact that neither she nor my stepfather, whom I dearly love, called me before last night. I guess it's probably because they didn't want me to overreact, like I'm probably doing right now. So, of course I was talking to her on the telephone and crying my eyes out and trying very hard not to let her know that I was really that upset, because it would make her upset and she really doesn't need to be upset right now. She said that she was checked out at the hospital and they didn't find anything wrong but gave her a prescription for pain (because she would be sore for a few days) and then they released her. So as of right now, she's home--a little sore but doing all right.

As she was telling me what happened as best as she could recollect, my memories of my dad's suicide were triggered and I felt again all the things I felt when I found out that he was dead. Disbelief, hurt, anger--in general a huge amount of distress and anxiety. I understand the why of his suicide, and since it's been such a while ago, I truly thought that I'd reconciled myself to what had happened and my feelings of being left alone. Obviously, I thought wrong, because once I got off the telephone, I totally lost it, thinking about finally losing my mom, whether by accident or natural causes. My mother and I are very close, as were my father and I. His death left me feeling ripped apart for a long time and even now sometimes when things remind me of him (like at Christmas time--that was his absolute favorite time of the year) I can get really depressed. I still really miss him. I remember when I went back to work after his funeral and I saw some rabbits cashing each other in the field behind the apartment complex that I lived in at the time--OMG! I got to work and I boo-hoo'd for the better part of the day (he loved to go hunting and loved wildlife and taught me a great appreciation for animals of all kinds). Sometimes now when I see rabbits or squirrels playing in the grass I'm transported back to my father and it just really hits me again that he's gone. My mind started going along these same kinds of tracks after speaking to my mother. Now I know intellectually that at some point I will lose her because no one lives forever but there's still a small part of me that just can't begin to imagine my life without her. She's my best friend. Inside, I'm still shaking just thinking about how she drove across the road, hit a tree and went down into a ravine. And the really bad part for me is that she says that she really doesn't know what happened--she didn't black out, she didn't hit anything in the road to make her lose control of the car--she just went off the road. I've got a friend that going to lend me some money so that I can fly to North Carolina tomorrow for a few day to see for myself that she's all right. You'd have to know my mom, but sometimes she doesn't let on that she's hurting more than what's she's told you.

The other thing that happened today is that I have to do an employee review. The review itself wasn't going to be a walk in the park, because I had to review my senior supervisor (senior in that she's been with the company for over 20 years) and her review was not the best. She's a nice person, but she is not, in my opinion, supervisory material. I've had to put her on a 90 day track to dismissal from her supervisory post, although she could be retained as a sales associate. Of course, downgrading her to a sales associate would have an impact on her wages, because she would no longer earn the differential that she gets now for being part of the store management team. In addition to that, I had to let her know that she can no longer keep her full time status, because the company is only allowing two full time positions per store: manager and assistant manager. All others working will be classified as part time. She will be losing her medical benefits unless she opts to pay for them herself. I was hoping that the company would allow those that had full time benefits to keep them and just tell us that no one else would be eligible unless they were being hired in/transitioning to the manager or assistant manager position, but alas this was not the case. I really hated to be the one to tell her. So, all in all this has not been one of my cheerier days...

A friend of mine has loaned me the money to go to North Carolina tomorrow to be with my mom and step dad. I'm so grateful that they loaned me the money, no questions asked (except for "how much do you need?") but I'm also feeling really upset that have to ask because I don't have enough of my own money to swing this myself. My salary is a joke, especially with the price of gas and everything else now. I have NO SAVINGS, nothing to fall back on and it's getting to the point where I have to seriously consider what/how I'm going to eat and put gas in my car to get to work. It almost doesn't pay me to work--I'm not getting much out of it except for more headaches trying to figure out how I'm going to live on the pittance that I make. But, that is another rant entirely. Guess I'll close this for now before I go off in another direction. I promise, the next entry will be beauty related and a lot happier in tone! Be blessed, hugs and peace! janel